Magnolia (1999)

It is safe to say that the mere thought of having to sit through Magnolia again brought me a noticeable amount of physical pain. It had been five years since the last time I saw it and let me assure you, it was not long enough. So when it got picked as one of the December movies I decided that this time I would come prepared. Armed with a notebook, a pen, and an amount of beer that is illegal in most countries, I decided to give Magnolia the recognition it deserves. So without further ado, I present you with:

The Top 101 Reasons Why I hate Magnolia
(in chronological order)

1. The narrator sounds like a bitch.
2. Using flames as a transition is never ok.
3. The beginning is a string of dis proven urban legends.
4. Terrible covers of good songs.
5. The fact that the opening of the movie is so promising.
6. Oh yeah, and it's three hours long.
7. Julianne Moore.
8. There are too many bad hairstyles.
9. Silly, cartoon-like film making techniques.
10. Ok, this is going somewhere right?
11. Look Julianne Moore, stuttering does not mean that you are being emotional.
12. F.Y.I. people don't really speak in well thought out monologues about the meaning of life.
13. Why are there so many dogs?
14. Scientology blows.
15. Apparently they forgot about pacing during the making of this film.
16. Seriously though, Tom Cruise's hair frightens me.
17. References to bad 80's songs.
18. Ugly people having sex = boo!
19. Do you want to call me a whore?
20. Great actors must have been forced into this film at gunpoint.
21. They really enjoy exploiting black people.
22. Stop being so whack.
23. Why would they use minuet in G in such a shitty movie?
24. Over the shoulder tracking shots.
25. Way to stereotype things and shit.
26. Is there anything worse than stuffing a sock into your whitey tighties?
27. Since when were braces sexy?
28. Seriously I got a call about a disturbance. Really? Ok!
29. Don't answer my question with a question.
30. Ok cool, the movie is building to something, right?
31. Circle pan to different people makes me want to throw up in my shoes.
32. It's cool, you didn't hear it the first time, I'll say it again.
33. Oh well obviously any woman would be attracted to Tom Cruise in a half ponytail.
34. Why would you fucking ask me about my life while I am making my voice a higher pitch?
35. Phillip Seymore Hoffman references "that scene," because "it's true."
36. Why are they playing Carmen now?
37. Claudia is very short.
38. Ok, dogs tripping is fun.
39. Wait a minute I thought that Magnolia was supposed to be good. Is that a coincidence?
40. Someone should really let Stanley pee.
41. Meeeh Weeh Mehhhlee Leelump (I can't say my line because I'm too busy coughing).
42. The way they shoot William H. Macey out of focus and act like it's deep.
43. Tom Cruise is a flying Samurai.
44. Ambient noises = DEEP = good.
45. Rain is seriously about emotions and things.
46. Oh cool, this movie is building towards an end again.
47. Shut the fuck up now please.
48. Honestly though, I would piss myself for cash.
49. Sure, I always do coke when cops are over.
50. Do it live!!! We'll do it live!!!
51. Shake your kid whenever you get the chance.
52. Really, that's not what TMJ sounds like.
53. I'm covered in blue light, it reflects my inner self/emotions/vomit.
54. Sometimes I rest my head against the door to make sure it's still cold.
55. I'm quietly judging you.
56. Teacher whyeeeeee?
57. "That's the first time I've been right." This movie must be ending soon.
58. I have never said something so profound directly before vomiting.
59. If I wear a lot of makeup can I be pretty like everyone else?
60. Oh wait, there is another hour, but...why?
61. If I stand with only my crotch in the shot it would be symbolic right?
62. Dogs and shit.
63. Yeah...children don't actually think that stuff.
64. Reciting bible verses makes me feel special.
65. My reflection in the window does too.
66. If it al ties together now, everything will be ok.
67. Oh shit! Half ponytail!
68. Annnnd Tom Cruise just stopped being mildly interesting.
69. Wear a bra! Seriously.
70. Is this normal? Is this ok?
71. What is even happening?
72. We no longer feel a need for dialog apparently.
73. I really thought that this was building towards an ending.
75. Being a man = putting your dick into things.
76. Smoking while hooked up to oxygen is only the best way to go out.
77. When you admit your sins on your death bed, it's all good.
78. Goddamn!
79. I regret things.
80. Chasing pills with booze is obviously part of the prescription.
81. Everyone is crying.
82. I light candles when I'm sad.
83. Someone is singing to the music.
84. Oh shit someone else started.
85. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!
86. Dying man participating in a sing along = FAIL!
87. Panning out makes emotional stuff.
88. Dogs and morphine and dogs and morphine.
89. That Bull Mastiff just broke the fourth wall.
90. Oh yeah, of course the black kid would know what to do in the event of a drug overdose.
91. When ice cubes clink, things are made clear.
92. Plot?
93. I should really start to carry retractable keys on my belt.
94. Whining party!
95. Tight focus! Leave half of the scene blurry, it would be muddled like the characters soul.
96. She is so obviously addicted to coke, why can you not see that?
97. Jarring!
98. Again, if my voice gets really high, you should know better.
99. I shake and breathe rapidly, I think that means I love you.
100. FROGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
101. Oh, so this didn't go anywhere.